Oh wow. So, like, I thought I was the maximum amount of useless back home, but no. No it was all a lie. Turns out that in America I'm only MOSTLY useless. In Spain I have discovered and reached a whole new level of ineffectual.
And it's not just 'cause I'm American – all the other Americans here can do stuff. Zee has already earned her keep translating for the group, and Resplendent Bob made the Internet work. So far I'm only good for falling asleep on unlikely surfaces.
It's gotten to the point where I can't even properly fantasize about being useful.
Yesterday I imagined that Zee's dad opened the empty refrigerator and then collapsed.
“Oh no!” yelled Zee's mom, “Quick, we need more whimsy up in this bitch!”
And then I filled the refrigerator with helium balloons and the next time Zee's dad opened the door all the balloons popped out and bounced around the room and we had a party.
But that could never happen in real life because I'd need help finding a place that sold helium balloons and then converting my dollars into euros and then sneaking back into the building without my own key. So then I decided all my fantasies were stupid and I spent the rest of the day pretending to be Spider-Man instead. Barcelona is a great place to have wall-crawling powers. You can get your footprints on the most beautiful buildings here.